Monday, March 19, 2018

Monday Musings

Image result for when you are not good enough to a friend and you give them your all

Something I have been thinking about lately, and just need to get it down.......when should you stop trying to "be there" for someone who OBVIOUSLY doesn't want you to "be there" (unless they are in a bind and then you are their best friend)?  I was raised to be KIND.  To go out of your way to help.....but I never really know when enough is enough.  When do you stop and realize that you are being used and never really were that person's "friend"?   I have always tried my hardest to be there for people, to be helpful, to be a friend.  But situations come up and I question WHY?!  WHY do I put myself out there, when I am just going to be trampled time and time again?  When is enough, enough?!  This quote by Maya Angelou really hit me hard today.  And I really had to stop and think, am I ABLE to stop caring what someone thinks of me, STOP trying to make them be my friend, but still be kind and show the love of Christ?!  To me, it is one and the same.  I don't know.  It is really something I have struggled with my whole life.  Acceptance.  Having/keeping friends.  I have always struggled with "feeling left out".  Do I bring it on myself?  Or is there just some HUGE sign on my head saying "hey, use me then drop me when something better comes along!  I will still bend over backwards to get you to like me!"

Acceptance.  Man, that word gets me.  We all want to be accepted, don't we?  I do!  I think it is human nature......except for those strange people (like my husband) who honestly and truly do not care what people think of them (lol).  I WANT to be accepted, but I am not willing to go out of my convictions in order to be accepted, so I end up NOT being accepted and labeled "a goody two-shoes", or "stick in the mud".  I realize that this post sounds so whiny and rude, but MAN, am I sick and tired of being trampled on by people who call themselves my "friend"! 

I love people.  Like, genuinely love people and want to help in any way I can.  I guess with that comes the risk of being used.  I should be used to it by now.  I give my heart to those I help.  And I love doing it.  And for the record, I will never stop helping people when I can, because that is just ME, and that is what God has called me to do.  I just need to VENT, ya know?!  Again, I'm only human.   But I also need to protect myself now I think.  I need to stop opening up so much to people, laying it all out there, crying with them in my car as we hash out what is wrong with our lives, only to be dropped like a hot potato and left in the cold.  It hurts.   It is my RESOLVE to not be that way.  I guess that is one good thing about going through this.  Makes me NOT want to be that way.  So I resolve to be kind.  To help. To be friendly and sweet.  But I will NOT give my undying friendship to someone who is just going to use it when it benefits them.  Period. 

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Finding God in the Loneliness

There's a song that I grew up singing, and the chorus goes something like this:

Jesus never fails, 
Jesus never fails,
Heaven and Earth may pass away,
But Jesus never fails.

Have you ever been in a crowded room, and felt so completely and utterly alone?  That just blows my mind how that can be.  But I can tell you I have experienced it more times than I can count.  It always seems to come in waves, and those days are some of the darkest days that I go through.  It's so easy to say, well, God is always with you, you know that, just lean on Him!  Yes, that is what we are supposed to do...but how often do we ACTUALLY do it? 

I can give specific times in my life when I felt completely and utterly alone.  The days after my best friend, my grandma, died; the day after we returned home from the hospital after miscarrying our second child; I could keep going, but I really don't want to add more sadness to my already aching heart.  You see, now is one of those lonely times.  Those times when my house can be a non stop parade of noise, but I feel like I am the only one around.  My husband works two jobs, and I just got hired on for an online teaching he works HARD for us.  And I miss him.  But I am SO thankful for him and how much he loves our family.  Our dog ran away almost 2 weeks ago, and as much as that dog annoyed me, I'm the one that misses her the most.  Friends seem few and far between and my heart is hurting about that.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone who thought was your friend pretty much doesn't act like you exist anymore?  That can be lonely.  Or maybe you are far from your family, and you rarely see them but for the occasional holiday.  Or maybe you are a parent who is dealing with an empty nest.  Maybe you are single, longing for the love that a relationship brings.  These all can be extremely lonely times!  But these are the times when we need to lean on the Lord.  I know, I know, that sounds so over said, but its so true!  It is probably one of the biggest lessons that I need to learn. 

As humans, we need other humans to love us and care for us.  It's just how we were made! As women, that urge is even stronger.  And as much as God wants us to DESPERATELY lean on Him, He also wants to see those desires for friendship fulfilled.....but in HIS time.  In Isaiah, it says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."  We may not know why the Lord is bringing things like this in our lives, but He ultimately knows best.  I was listening to Frances Chan yesterday in my devotions, and he was saying that all of the stuff we are going through is God's way of making our faith stronger.  It may seems SO HARD as we are going through it, but God is trying us by fire, to make us reflect Him in our lives.  

So as you go through these trials in life, no matter how hard they are, remember the ultimate become more like Christ, and to have His reflection shine through you.  James 1:1-12 is such a great passage for this.  "Count it all joy, when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience." 

God is always there for you.  He is working His perfect work in your heart, and daily we must give ourselves over to that work, and pray for the wisdom we need to allow Him to complete that work in us.  

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

You're Not Alone

   It's been a while since I have posted, and I just had to share this moment I experienced this morning in the car.
     There us this new song on the radio that I hear from time to time, and I've always liked it.  Some of the words are:

Oh, my soul

You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone

   It's comforting to know that someone is always with you, but we all have to admit that there are times where we just are plain lonely.  We know that God is with us, we know that He loves us, but we are also human.  Things might happen where we feel like God is so far away (even though He is NOT!), or that we don't have a friend in the world.  I'll be the first to admit that I feel that way ALOT.  
   So I was sitting in my car this morning, waiting for a store to open (hello hurricane prep!), and this song came on.  I was just hanging out, kind of feeling lonely and sorry for myself, when all of a sudden I hear a voice in the backseat SINGING THE SONG.  Now let me explain this singing.  My almost 2 year old doesn't really talk much.  He says words, but not really sentences, if that makes sense.  But he sings.  And when he sings, it's mainly just the last word of a phrase. 
   At first, I think, oh he's just making random words, that's so cute.  But the more the song plays the more I realize he is singing with the song!  For some reason, thosee ugly tears come.  Here I am, sitting in my car feeling sorry for myself, and my 2 year old is in the backseat singing about not being alone (and as I type this he is singing King of the World).  What a wakeup call, right?  My sweet little boy is reminding me in his choppy little singing voice that I am absolutely not alone, ever! He reminds me that God has everything in control, and He is holding me in His hands.
   We live in uncertain times, that much is evident.  We don't know what tomorrow will bring!  Right now, we don't know how hard (if at all) we will get hit by this massive storm.  But there is a truth that is certain.  God has a plan.  He loves us.  And we are not alone.