I put Softie away today. It was hard. Maybe I should have let him keep it, but as much as I hate to see it, my baby boy is growing up. Softie is his blanket, with the soft, velvety square that is gray. That square used to be white, but over three years of loving and rubbing it has turned it into that sad color. Even with many washings, that white never came back. Softie has been through a lot. Softie has been that faithful companion of comfort for my son. But we have now traded the pale green and yellow baby blanket for a red, gray and blue twin comforter.
It is a difficult thing, I think, watching your children growing out of that baby stage. I have been through it once before, and will go through it another time after this, but for some reason I am having a very hard time with this one. Maybe because he is my only boy. My sweetie pie. I placed that blanket on the shelf in the linen closet, and all I could see were visions of those huge brown eyes, staring up at me for the first time. The absolute second I looked into those eyes, I was lost forever. My heart was stolen by that sweet baby boy.
As a mother, you go through many emotions. There's all the firsts: first smile, first tooth, first step...my favorite being the first time he told me he loved me with his tiny boy voice. There are also the emotions you go through when they break your heart: they scream at you, they tell you no. The list can go on and on, but I choose not to dwell on that. There are the emotions of pride: pride at all they accomplish; pride at the times they do right; pride when they show how grown up they are getting. Then there are the emotions when you think about how these things never last as long as you want them to. My baby boy is getting ready to start school. How did this happen? I feel as though I did not have him long enough as my baby. That is why I am learning to cherish the moments. They fly by so quickly, if you are not careful, you will miss them. Cherish EVERYTHING. Even the things that seem so terrible (can we say potty training?)--because one day, you will wish you had those moments once again.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
So today I deactivated my FB account. Honestly, I don't really know why I did it. I hope in the next few days I will have more of that figured out, but for now, I will start with saying that it is a STRANGE feeling. My account has been deactivated for all of 45 minutes, and in those 45 minutes I have sat down at my computer and looked for my tab with FB open FIVE TIMES. Can we say ADDICTED?! It is a strange feeling, being "disconnected" from the world, and my friends. But I can also say in those 45 minutes I have made my menu for the next week, made my shopping list, rocked my sleeping baby, and listened to my five year old show me a magazine article on how to grow a plant in a cup. Do you think I would have done that if I were on FB? Ummm, no! This "experiment" is opening my eyes to what all I have been missing!
So it's been three days since I deleted FB. Wow, what an eye opener! I didn't realize how much I was on FB until I didn't have it anymore! I will admit, I got on my husband's account this morning to post first day of school pics. But I didn't linger, and it was nice! I think the thing that is keeping me off of it consistently is the fact that I only told two people I was deactivating my account. I didn't even tell my husband. Part of it was vanity (I wanted to see who would miss me on there...by the way, so far no one has haha) but part of it was I wanted it to be a personal thing...not for show. It hit me today though, that I most likely will not be on in a month...which is my 30th birthday. That kind of made me sad, because I LOVE getting all of the birthday wishes on there!
So yeah, my husband thinks I'm crazy and it won't last. Maybe not. But guess what...I have found myself happier in this week off FB. A week?! Wow it hardly seems like it has been that long. But in that week, not once did I compare myself to some super mom on there, or get angry at some dumb post someone put on there, or jealous because someone got something I wanted. I realized how JUVENILE Facebook has made me! I realized that yeah, I may not be super mom on FB, but guess what...my KIDS think I'm super mom and that is all that matters. And I may not have that to DIE for name brand item, but I have everything I need, and most of what I want! I have a loving husband and beautiful children, a beautiful house and great vehicles, and I have more love than I know what to do with!
Umm, so wow it has been almost a month. I must say, it has been really nice, and I have received some really funny looks when people ask. I will be honest and say that I am REALLY tempted to turn it back on, but only to get all the cool birthday wishes (you only turn 30 once, right?!). One thing that I do NOT miss, is the feeling of inferiority that always crept in as I saw all of my friends in their workout poses, or making awesome crafts with their kids. My children are alive at the end of the day, and right now, that is all that matters! I have learned many things about myself in this almost month. I have learned that I CAN go a day without feeling like a failure. I CAN go a day without making a mean remark on someone's post. But I have also learned that I am a VERY social person, and the loneliness I have been struggling with has gotten worse. Its crazy how you can be surrounded by screaming, laughing children all day, and still feel like you are the only person alive.
I guess a follow up post could be Why I CAN'T reactivate my FB. Mainly because of all the NEW comments of ridicule I know I will get from family and friends..."oh I knew you wouldn't last", "once addicted, always addicted, right?". I honestly need to learn to stop caring about what people say, but we all know that it is hard when it is someone close to you, right? So here's the tough decision...continue in the "loneliness" that comes from being "disconnected" with the world, or face the ridicule and "I told you so's" from the people close to me. It is so strange to me how something so ridiculous as Facebook can rule our lives so much. If I'm on, I'm frustrated at myself and every other person in my list...if I'm NOT on, I'm lonely and get made fun of for not being on the cursed website. It really is a no-win situation. So we shall see. Maybe I will reactivate it, maybe I won't. But I can assure you, it will not be until I can get over what people will say....hmmm......