This Christmas, I thought I would bring something up that is kind of hard for me to discuss. It is no secret that I am very vocal about the loss of our second child, Malachi. Part of me wonders why. Why would I share something so personal, so deep inside me, to people I really don't know? I think the reason I do share so much is it is my way of healing. And that is what I want to talk about. Healing. I used to love the holidays. Don't get me wrong, I still do! But since March 21, 2010, the holidays are so different for me. Yes, there is sadness, yes, there are the what ifs...but there is also the joy and thankfulness that creeps among that sadness that makes me stop and think. Have I healed? I'm honestly not sure. There are so many days when I feel like I am drowning, no hope in sight. Those days are so difficult. Then there are days when Malachi crosses my mind and I smile, thankful for those few days I held him near my heart.
It seems to me that those drowning days happen more often around the holidays. I always wonder why that is...why, during the happiest time of the year, I feel so dark and sad? Am I really not finished healing? Will I always feel this way? I suppose I will never know this here on Earth. I see other people suffering, and it makes me even more sad...not for me, but for them. I wish that they would have the same healing that I desire.
I have decided that for me to heal, I need to celebrate my child. To be honest, I believe that all children should be celebrated. It makes me so sad to see people turn away from such a subject. I know it is a tough subject. I understand that it easier to just brush it aside. I know that you "don't want to bring up a sore subject". But to a mother, what better subject is there than their child? Yes, we do not have those children with us anymore. But that that doesn't mean that we don't want to remember them. On the contrary, it warms my heart and in a way helps with that healing process. My sweet sister-in-law always counts our Malachi when she talks about her nieces and nephews. That does more to make my heart sing than she even knows.
I say all that to say this: don't be afraid to tell us you are thinking about us and our children. Don't worry about hurting our feelings. Help us heal. Help us grow. Help us remember our angels, celebrating the holidays in the arms of Jesus.